The Latest News From Kingston Springs
(As reported by our man on the scene Nate Coker)

Well….some cold weather and heavy rains in Kingston Springs lately had everybody a little excited. Peanut’s radiator shop was flooded and our little restaurant, ‘The Slick Pickle’ was really slick there for awhile.

I guess the biggest excitement was when Mayor Bubba went floating by on a big tractor tire. He kept yelling, “Ya’ll pray for me, I’m the Mayor. Ya’ll pray for me I’m the Mayor!”

Claude came in from Nashville with a pint of Jack Daniel’s in his hip pocket. His feet slipped on wet ground and he fell on his back side. When he got up, someone said, “What’s that all over the back of you, Claude?”

He said, “If there’s a God in heaven, it’s blood!”

Meanwhile, our old maid, Miss Margaret has a personal ad running in the ‘White Trash Gazette.’ It reads, “I’ve got a big screen and you can hold my remote.”

One old boy showed up to hold it. He was in a leather jacket with tattoos all over his neck and a big ring in his nose. Later, I said, “Margaret, are you sure about him? He doesn’t seem very nice.”

She said, “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 2000 hours of community service?”

We did convince her to take up music and try to get her mind off men. So she joined the ‘Kingston Springs Symphony and Jug Band.’ We went by there the other day and heard the conductor saying, “Margaret, when everybody else is finished playing, you don’t want to keep playing any notes you have left!”

And our entrepreneur, Cletus, is telling the Yankee tourists that stop by that Elvis is indeed alive, and for a small fee, he’ll show them where he’s hiding out right here in Kingston Springs.

I said, “What are you gonna do, Cletus, when them people find out you’re lying?”

He said, “How they gonna find out? Me and Elvis ain’t talking.”

It never gets dull around here, folks. Stop in and see us when you can.

Nate

More Kingston Springs...
 
Well, here in our part of the world, life goes on. Uncle Roy is still spinning his yarns for anybody that’ll listen. When he showed up alone at our little café, the Slick Pickle, everybody asked him where Myrtle was.
 
He said, “Oh, goodness. It may be awhile before you see ole Myrtle again, now.”  When asked why, he said, “Well, I may have to send her to a secluded island for treatment, according to the doctor.”
 
“What’s wrong with her, Mr. Roy?” someone asked.
He said, “Well, her left eye has been slowly shifting over to the right side of her face!”

Aunt Myrtle got him back, though.

Claude told her, “Down at the Grand Lodge of the Moose Heads of America, they’re thinking about making Roy, the ‘Man Of The Year!”
 
Myrtle said, “Well, that shows what kind of year it’s been.”
 
And our Mayor, Bubba, is an unhappy camper these days. It seems his psychiatrist pronounced him completely cured.

I said, “That’s great news, Mayor. Why aren’t you happy?”
He said, “Why should I be?  A year ago I was Houdini. Now, I’m nobody!”
 
And the old folks home called and said Grandpa Coker was peeing in the pool. I said, “Don’t you think a lot of your old folks do that?”
 
She said, “May be, but not from the diving board!”
 
 And Opal came up with the idea that she wants to get a boob job. I guess she got the idea after Claude said she could put her bra on backwards and it would still fit.
 
Anyway, Claude thinks it’s a crazy idea. He said, “Opal, if you get a boob job, there won’t be nothing left in your shoes!”
 
 And Miss Margaret, our old maid, was being interviewed by the singles magazine, ‘Tennessee Girls Hurtin For Certain.’
 
The reporter asked, “Margaret, what would you do if you had five dates with a man and he never attempted to kiss you?”
 
Margaret said, “Lie about it!”
 
Ya’ll take care now,
Nate

From The Heart of Kingston Springs
By Nate Coker

Now, it’s not a big place. In fact, it’s just what folks down south call a wide place in the road. It’s out in the country outside Nashville.

And like a lot of small towns in the south, it’s full of colorful people.

Folks like Uncle Roy and Aunt Myrtle. Roy says Myrtle went to a plastic surgeon last week. She wanted to have her nose bobbed a little bit. He told her it would be cheaper to have her face widened out.

And then there’s Claude and Opal. Claude likes to drink. In fact, he came home late the other night and told Opal that he had a special relationship with the Lord. She said, “Explain that to me, Claude.” He said, “Well, when I come home late after drinking and I go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the l light on when I start, and he turns it off for me when I’m done.” She said, “I’m gonna have to kill you, Claude. You’ve been peeing in the refrigerator again!”

Listen to Cuzin Claude "On The Radio"

And there’s the old maid, Miss Margaret. She’s got more of a manhunt going than the FBI.

And there’s the Mayor of Kingston Springs, Mayor Bubba. Yes, that’s his real name. He’s just a little different. Last week some of the boys went by his house and caught him sitting there playing strip solitaire. Now, Margaret is ringing his phone off the hook wanting to know how to play.

Cledus runs the radiator shop and whatever other scheme he has going at the time. He made a lot of money off the Yankee tourists last year selling them new environmental toilet paper. He told them starting January, the old stuff wouldn’t flush.

Speaking of Yankee tourists, one of them stopped in our little cafe, The Slick Pickle, not long ago. Before ordering he asked to speak to the chef. An ole boy we call Peanut was cooking that day, in between wrecker calls. So he came out and the man said, “Tell me, do you do anything special to prepare your chickens?” Peanut said, “No, we just tell them flat out they’re gonna die.”

Well, we’ll have to introduce the rest of the folks to you as we go along. But it’s folks like these that are making Kingston Springs famous. You folks stop by and see us sometime.

Nate Coker will be giving us an ongoing story of the "life and times" of the very colorful characters in his little ville of Kingston Springs, Tennessee. They are your average crazy country folks who have a way of looking at life, shall we say, just a wee bit differently than some other folks you might know. But we love them, because they are real and they say and do what they believe, even if the way they see the world isn't quite the same as reality would dictate! For a taste of Nate's hilarious humor, check out these excerpts from his comedy album "Yankees & Grits".
(CLICK ALBUM)

Buy This Album HERE.

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.. So I went to a shrink and told him; 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come back to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.

I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'

(Forget those shrinks…just talk to your bartender!)